Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
<—- homeless romantic
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
She: I like Cats
He:
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.