@3sunzzz

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

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@iamspacegirl

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@LOsepyan

Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.