@3sunzzz

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

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@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

@jeepwave7

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@Chhapiness

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@Thing_Finder

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

@cydbeer

I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”

@skittle624

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.