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@3sunzzz: Justify your alcoholism by having children.
@JKickinit30: *takes big toke of joint*
Waitress: Sir... that's a burrito.
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
@VanGobot: *bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
@thatdutchperson: [first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
@joejwest: PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it's how most of you will die. Next?