There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
You’ve just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I bought an iBoat and it’s syncing!
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.