Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.