Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
You Might Also Like
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
No, I don’t think I will.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed