Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*