I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Guantanamo Bae
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.