Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.