If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph