@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

@EllaZee5

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

@OctopusCaveman

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

@_SingleBabyMama

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

@TomZohar

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

@ArfMeasures

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@rcromwell4

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart