One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
my wife: don’t you dare say it
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now
* having me let go will cost $10
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass