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If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.


I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.



Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*


Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*


My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.


I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.


[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-