Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.