Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.