JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’ve been drinking.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade