REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …