To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!