K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!