Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
do what now??
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: