Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night


3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.


ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”


Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”


OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help


My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.


I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.