Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Sell your car
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Ugh
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX