Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Meat Cute
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”