KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Just got to our Airbnb!