@Darlainky

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

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@Brianhopecomedy

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

@Area51eh

Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

@Love_bug1016

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

@APowerfulMagnet

Professor x: What’s your power.

Me: I can rotate anything.

Professor +: Wow.

@POTerritory

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@pittdave13

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

@ParasiteHilton

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.