[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun