Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then