People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations
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A friend just texted me from a trans-Atlantic flight saying folks are on their hands and knees looking for not one, but THREE missing cats on-board.
Just thought everyone on this website would enjoy that
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button