@SteveSuckington: Welcome to Gullible Victim Club. Lol. I can't believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I'll stab you.

@supershayne: [Award Speech] Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there. *I kiss my hand and point to the sky* The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

@caliluvgirl77: If I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@CherBear162: Your make-up application says "I failed Clown College".

@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself? FRIEND: um, like...to dinner ME: cool, cool