[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
This makes total sense…
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.