KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: damn ur good

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Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.


I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.


Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?


[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE


That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back


“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”


Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is



Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader