KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….