@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

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@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@kimtopher22

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@KattsDogma

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back

@UncleDuke1969

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

@LuckoftheDraw86

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader