KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: damn ur good

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Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.


I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting


A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet


It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.


*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec


DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?