Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
estão todos miauvindo?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?