Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.

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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?


[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs


I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep


My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.


Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb