@AllanCresswell

Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.

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@flashember

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@leannuh

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

@Spaziotwat

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb