Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Taking phone security to the next level.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
This kinda thing happens to me often
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.