@TheMichaelRock

Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.

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@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

@JohnFugelsang

Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@BMcCarthy32

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS

@_Tempo11

When people say my dog’s cute, naturally I thank them as if I created him

@roggyie

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T shirts and jeans