@TheMichaelRock

Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.

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@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@jdawsey1

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@BillArrundale

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

@Crutnacker

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

@Rohit_And_Run

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

@Skoogeth

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.