How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
When people say my dog’s cute, naturally I thank them as if I created him
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T shirts and jeans