Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

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I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.


If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.


I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…


(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years


I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?


Pal: “on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals”

Me: “how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?”


one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process


Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.