Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.