@UncleDuke1969

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

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@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@QwertyJones3

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@squirrel74wkgn

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@jimmytorosian

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

@10InchesPlus

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes