Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…