Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
this is what they would have looked like, though
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?