I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this