@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

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@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@ramenfuneral

sent someone a text that said “you need medieval catheter” when i actually meant “medical attention” and i didn’t bother correcting myself

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@MatCro

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@patrickhogan91

22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders

@novicefather

QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case?

“WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?”