@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

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@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

@jackiembouvier

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

@dshack8

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

@DaddyJew

[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]

Me: *just throwing puppies at her

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@LuvPug

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.