Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.
…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.
[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE