Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

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“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


sent someone a text that said “you need medieval catheter” when i actually meant “medical attention” and i didn’t bother correcting myself


If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.



ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that


I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.


Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound


22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders


QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case?

“WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?”