Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?