Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.