Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night