How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?