karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Natty or not?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered