@aka_fatman

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

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@HollyHeals

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

@Parkerlawyer

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

@myonlymizztake

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word

@dannyboy7813

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

@HiddleDeeDee

You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2

@nbadag

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@jameshamblin

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago