Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…