Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Who chose this font
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.