karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do