karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple


my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.


3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.


My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.


How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.


When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.


I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.