@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

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@SatansTongue

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@ramenfuneral

somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman

@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

@Mr_Kapowski

Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-

LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE

@torahhorse

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

@murrman5

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day