“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.