The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is gonna be one hell of a week.
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*
Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-
LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-
[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day