@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

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@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@

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@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@brian_bilston

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.