Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.