karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive