[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I have a black belt in leather
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.