Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
goldfish mafia
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Gods work.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I can’t deal with men any longer
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
do horses think humans are hats
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want