Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
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“Nobody wants to hear about pooping”
Actually Mom, I think you’ll find that there’s an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.