Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…


“Nobody wants to hear about pooping”
Actually Mom, I think you’ll find that there’s an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.


[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.


Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate


Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock


*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it


Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you