@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

You Might Also Like

@RexChapman

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

@Phook75

“Nobody wants to hear about pooping”
Actually Mom, I think you’ll find that there’s an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.

@XplodingUnicorn

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

@YoungNobler

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

@ArfMeasures

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

@ArfMeasures

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

@mattZillaaaa

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you