Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem