#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.