Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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