Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.