@berikerimeri

Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?

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@psybermonkey

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

@dadcid

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

@jwoodham

The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.

@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@Trustedshoe

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?