Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?

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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs


The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.


I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King


WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO


I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished


I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.


I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.