The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Karma: Do you believe in me?
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?
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one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds
*standing by the turntables at the club*
Her: are you the dj?
Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?