“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
seems like a niche market
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Yup.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.